What a day I guess

So at two o'clock I use the bowflex to get buff so that I won't ever be abandoned again. Ha! And then I sit, I think:

"Should I shave my beard?"

Yes, it is late. The stubble will be grown in by the morning. There will be no recipient of a freshly shaven kiss. But uffa, I need to shave. I look like a lazy person... but am I lazy?

Earlier this week my dad said that I wasn't lazy, I just like to get engaged in things that totally interest me and sometimes I have a problem with putting up with the boring things that boring people do in order to sustain their boring lives. I will not be one of those people, no matter how poor and broken I come to be.

I left a beer in my room earlier tonight and I'm finally getting around to drinking it. That is commitment my friends, that and not fucking around. But goddammit, it's time to put up or shut up, put out or get out, put on or go on...

I finally joined a band. I think I am more comfortable joining a band than starting a band. I don't want to lead... I want to be accepted in a role of advisement. Consultation or something like that. I want to be appreciated in the background but also be in front, be the only one that anyone sees or loves or wants to be around because I'm goddamn selfish. I have to shave my beard, I have to use the bowflex, I have to like shitty movies and cry when I see the sunset and love everyone that I meet because that's what I want to be, that's who I want to love, everyone and everything... and if I give them the world, then I can die happy. Or at least, less sad.

Damn the letters, damn the poems, damn the songs and the friendship. I'm in this for the sex and the pain. I'm in this for the opening of doors and the cliffs and the falling and the bleeding and getting high and light because so much blood is gone... I'm in it for the boredom.

Now I'm bored.